Chapter 1.
A soft breeze rustled through the cemetery maples, their leaves beginning to turn gold and crimson against the clear October sky. Nadine Yoder stood motionless before the plain wooden casket, her prayer kapp strings fluttering against her dark blue dress. Her eyes remained dry while those around her wept openly.
The bishop's words washed over her like distant waves—familiar phrases about God's will and eternal rest.
It had been eight days since Eli had gone to fix the barn roof and never returned. Eight days since their neighbor, Abram Byler, had come running across the field, his face ashen with the news that would forever divide Nadine's life into before and after.
Now, as the men of the community lowered her husband's body into the ground, the hollow feeling in her chest wasn't just sorrow. It was something she couldn’t describe. She’d married Eli not out of passion but for the safety of familiarity—he was kind, predictable, steady. That had seemed enough.
How easily everything could change in an instant.
She looked over at Eli’s parents. His father, Daniel, was tight-lipped while Libby, Eli’s mother, was sobbing into a handkerchief. Eli’s brothers Matthew and John stood tall, one on either side.
"He was a good man," whispered a voice beside her. Helgred, Eli's only sister, gripped Nadine's arm with desperate fingers, her face blotchy with tears. "The best brother. The best man in our district."
Nadine nodded silently. Eli had been good – quiet, hardworking, fair in his dealings. He had never raised his voice to her, never complained when dinner was late after she'd spent too long visiting Marybeth or helping with community work.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away," the bishop said, his beard moving slightly with each word. "Blessed be the name of the Lord."
The community responded in unison, their voices rising together in shared acceptance of God's mysterious ways. Nadine's lips moved with the familiar words, but her mind wandered to the silence that awaited her at home – a silence not so different from the one that had filled the spaces between her and Eli for years.
The first shovelful of earth hit the casket with a hollow thud that echoed in Nadine's chest. The thud reminded her of the doors that had closed on her childhood home after her parents had passed within months of each other—another life, another grief, but the same emptiness.
Once again, she was alone. The feelings of helplessness bubbled up within her.
Helgred leaned even closer. "You'll move back with us, of course.”
‘Us’ meant Eli’s parents, his two unmarried brothers and Helgred, who had also never married. The family had taken her in after her parents had died.
Helgred continued, “You shouldn't be alone in that house. You’ll sell it."
Before Nadine could respond, the community began to move around them, women approaching with embraces and men offering solemn nods of respect. The Smithsons’ twins, barely five years old, clung to their mother's skirts, wide-eyed at this gathering of black-clothed adults. Nadine felt a sudden stab of emotion – not for the husband she had lost, but for the children they had never had. Another failure she carried, another disappointment etched into her marriage.
The procession back to her farm moved slowly along the dirt road, horses and buggies forming a somber parade. Nadine rode with Eli’s family while Helgred patted her hand at regular intervals.
The farmhouse came into view—the home she and Eli had shared, the windows dark despite the afternoon sun, as if the building itself were in mourning.
Inside, the house had been transformed by the community's women. Tables stretched across the main room, laden with food that would feed the mourners. The familiar scents of bread and pie should have been comforting, but they only emphasized the strangeness of the day—a gathering in her home where Eli would never again take his place at the head of the table.
"Nadine, let me help you with your shawl," Helgred said, already reaching for it, already taking control in the way she had always tried to direct her younger siblings. Her eyes, so like Eli's in shape and color, held a fierce protectiveness that bordered on possession. "You should sit down. You look pale."
"I need to check on the kitchen," Nadine murmured, stepping away from Helgred's reaching hands. It wasn't entirely an excuse— as the bereaved wife, she should ensure everything was in order for the guests. But mostly, she needed space to breathe without Helgred's watchful gaze.
The kitchen was crowded with women working efficiently, and Nadine slipped between them, murmuring thanks, feeling both grateful for their help and like a stranger in her own home. At the sink, she paused to splash cool water on her face.
"Nadine."
A single word, spoken in a voice that carried the comfort of decades of friendship. Nadine turned to find Marybeth Lapp in the doorway, her round face etched with genuine concern. Unlike the others, Marybeth didn't immediately envelop her in an embrace or offer platitudes. Instead, she simply handed Nadine a fresh dish towel.
"They've taken over everything out there," Marybeth said quietly, nodding toward the main room. "You don't need to be the hostess today."
Nadine squeezed the towel between her fingers. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be, then."
Marybeth's eyes softened. "Just be yourself. That's enough."
But was it? Nadine wondered. Had being simply herself ever been enough? Not for her parents, who had died before she could make them proud. Not for Eli, who had surely deserved a wife who loved him completely. Perhaps not even for God, who had left her childless while blessing Marybeth with four healthy children.
"I feel like I did when my folks died. It seems I always end up alone.”
"You're not alone," Marybeth insisted, though they both knew it wasn't entirely true.
Marybeth had her husband and children.
The community would provide support, but at the end of each day, She would return to an empty house, an empty bed. “Helgred said I should sell the house.”
“Where would you live?”
“With them,” Nadine whispered. “That’s the plan. Their plan, not mine.”
“Is that what you want?”
Nadine couldn’t think of anything worse. At least in her own home, she had a say in what happened. “No. That’s not what I want.”
“Then don’t do it,” Marybeth insisted.
A commotion in the main room drew their attention—Helgred's voice rising above the respectful murmurs of the guests. "Nadine should be sitting down. Where is she? She shouldn't be hiding in the kitchen on today of all days."
Marybeth raised an eyebrow. "Helgred seems to have appointed herself your guardian."
"She means well," Nadine said automatically, though the thought of Helgred's hovering presence in the days to come filled her with quiet dread. "She's lost her younger brother."
"And you've lost your husband," Marybeth countered.
Before Nadine could respond, Helgred appeared in the doorway, her eyes immediately finding Nadine. "There you are! Everyone's waiting. The bishop is ready to say a prayer." Helgred's gaze flicked to Marybeth with thinly veiled disapproval before returning to Nadine. "Come, sister. Everyone’s waiting."
She followed Helgred into the main room, where conversation hushed as she took her seat. Dozens of sympathetic eyes tracked her movement, searching her face for appropriate signs of widowhood.
As the bishop began the prayer, Nadine bowed her head and closed her eyes. In the darkness behind her eyelids, she saw not Eli's face but the long, empty road ahead—days without his quiet presence, nights in the too-large bed, meals cooked for one. The silence that had existed between them would now fill every corner of the house.
Yet beneath the fear and grief lay a flutter of something she dared not name, something that brought fresh guilt washing over her. In the midst of proper mourning, surrounded by those who had genuinely loved Eli, Nadine only wished that she could’ve loved him more.
She had respected him, but the spark she'd once dreamed of never blossomed.
"Amen," the community said in unison.
Nadine opened her eyes to her new reality—widow, alone, uncertain. Helgred watched her carefully. Beside her, Marybeth’s presence offered comfort.
Nadine inhaled deeply. The future would unfold according to God's plan, not hers. After all, her own plans had led her to a marriage without a proper connection and a grief complicated by guilt.
