Chapter 1.
Rebecca ran her hand across the neat row of her late husband, Colin’s, clothes that were hanging, evenly spaced, on his side of the closet. Her eyes ran across the row of clothing, yet her fingers lingered on the strong, waterproof material of the dark, blue jacket he used to wear most days in the fall. The material of the jacket was strong, yet flexible, qualities that Rebecca considered Colin had. Yet not even his strength was enough to save him from the car accident that had ended his life over ten years ago. A large knot formed again in Rebecca’s stomach, as it did every time she thought of that wretched day.
Rebecca shut her eyes tightly and wished that she would not even remember that day when the police came to her door with news of what had happened. The police had called it a ‘freak accident’ that caused a large tree branch to fall on his car as he drove home in strong winds. Even though Rebecca had left the Amish long ago, she still believed in Gott and did not believe in ‘freak accidents.’ She knew it must have been Gott calling him home – it was his time.
Losing Colin was the worst thing that had happened in Rebecca’s life. While she had come to terms with the fact that he had gone, she also had come to terms with the fact that the world, and all the people in it, just carried on as normal – it was as if nothing had happened. But something had happened; Colin had been taken away from her. She wanted the world to stop and to acknowledge that her Colin was gone, but the world carried on regardless. It was Rebecca’s private pain that no one else would ever be able to understand.
Tears filled her eyes at the thought of finally letting go of Colin’s clothes. Clothes that she had made for him, with love. To other people they may be just clothes, but to Rebecca, they were an expression of her creativity, fashioned for the man she loved dearly. It may not have been healthy for Rebecca’s mourning process, but she found comfort in having his possessions close to her. It was as if a part of him were still there with her. How would she feel living in Jeremiah’s haus, not having all the reminders of Colin about her everyday?
There were so many memories in her house; the tiny, little rip in the wallpaper near the top of the wall, which Colin accidently tore while he was painting the ceiling. There was the little nick in the doorway leading to the kitchen that had occurred when Colin was moving the new refrigerator through the narrow space.
Even though they had both disagreed on the colors for the walls, they compromised. The colors they compromised on were a stark, daily reminder to Rebecca of their close bond. When it came time to repaint, Rebecca stuck doggedly with the colors they had chosen together, years before. Even the garden was a reminder of Colin. She sat and read in the garden every day and gazed at the plants and flowers that they had chosen and planted together. A lifetime of memories was entwined in every inch of the house that they had purchased together so long ago.
Rebecca took a deep breath and sat down on her bed. The pain of Colin’s passing resided in her heart like a tightly coiled spring. Would leaving this house make Rebecca feel a little less pain? In the back of her mind she wondered if things between her and Jeremiah were moving a little too quickly.
Deep in her heart she knew Colin would urge her to move on with her life and be happy with Jeremiah, but could she really do that? Rebecca loved Jeremiah and had said ‘yes’ when he brought up the suggestion of marriage. She knew it was right - the love that Jeremiah and she had for each other. Yet, somehow, she wondered if she could really leave the past behind her and forge ahead with the new. Had she lived so long in the past that now, she was unable to live in the present?
With her plans of getting baptized into the Amish faith, her life was about to take a drastic change. She was just nineteen years old when she left her Amish parents’ home to marry Colin, an Englischer; a decision that she never regretted.
Rebecca knew she would easily be able to return to the Amish lifestyle. She had loved the Amish lifestyle, and if it hadn’t been for Colin she would have gladly stayed. The close community with the familye bonds is something that the Englisch lifestyle just could not match.
The only part of the Amish lifestyle she did not like growing up, was living off the land and having to kill chickens. Her mamm had told her that she had to kill the chickens so she could eat. It seemed that everyone thought nothing of killing the chickens except Rebecca.
She was pleased that Jeremiah did not live on a farm anymore, but lived in a modest haus amongst Amish farmlands and only had enough land to raise vegetables.
Rebecca glanced up at Colin’s clothes. She could not bring them to Jeremiah’s house when she became his wife – that would be ridiculous and most likely hurtful to Jeremiah. She had not even shared with Jeremiah the fact that she still had all of Colin’s things, through fear he would think her a little odd or even creepy.
A wave of panic swept over her at the notion of not having the security of Colin’s clothes. Rebecca did not know what to do – she did not know if she would be able to let them go.
Rebecca’s thoughts turned to her love for Jeremiah. She knew she was blessed to fall in love twice in one lifetime. She knew that many people never find true love even once in a lifetime.
“You there, Rebecca?”
Rebecca was jolted from her thoughts by the deep voice of her fiancé, Jeremiah. “I’m coming.” Rebecca closed the closet and her bedroom door and greeted Jeremiah at the front of the house.
“It’s a nice surprise to see you. I thought I wouldn’t see you until tonight.”
“I was just on my way home from giving the boys a bit of a hand in the store.” Jeremiah gave Rebecca a hug while he spoke. “They’re getting very busy.”
Jeremiah owned a saddler’s store and his two sons ran it for him. Both sons had left the Amish some time ago and were both married to Englischers. Once they left the farm, Jeremiah could not manage it by himself, so he leased out the land to the Lapps next door, keeping the haus and the use of a little land surrounding the house.
Rebecca breathed in Jeremiah’s scent, which was freshly washed with just a hint of soap. His strong arms around her made her feel safe, as if she could do anything. Maybe she would be able to leave Colin’s clothes behind her.
She looked up into Jeremiah’s kindly, dark eyes, fringed by darker lashes. His face was all manly and strong from his jawline to the slight crookedness of his nose.
“Would you like some kaffe?” Rebecca felt a little guilty to harbor feelings for her late husband, almost as if she was not fully committed to Jeremiah. Was there a piece of herself she was not ready to give to Jeremiah? She knew that she loved both men, even though they were opposites in both looks and personalities.
“Jah that would be nice.” Jeremiah followed close behind her to the kitchen.
Rebecca admired the fact that Jeremiah always walked with strength and with purpose, shoulders back and head held high.
“Let’s go and sit in the garden while the jug is boiling.” Rebecca took Jeremiah’s large hand and led him to the white garden seat under the large, old oak tree in the corner of the garden.
Under that tree was Rebecca’s favorite spot in the whole garden. She often sat and looked at the birds, which came to feed out of the birdfeeder and play in the water fountain. Colin had made the birdfeeder and hung it in the tree on the opposite side of the garden. “Should be boiled by now.”
As Rebecca made the kaffe, she looked out the window at Jeremiah. He was a kindly man and Rebecca loved him dearly. He had strong beliefs about what was what – he was very black and white with how things should be. On the other hand, Colin had been more flexible and had tried to see all sides of a situation. Colin was only a little taller than Rebecca and was fair in coloring whereas Jeremiah was quite tall and his coloring was dark. Rebecca considered Jeremiah a most handsome man.
Rebecca brought out two mugs of steaming, hot coffee with a plate full of oatmeal cookies and set them on a small table in front of them. She knew that Jeremiah loved cookies. Even though Rebecca was a very good cook, she did not have the time to bake and preferred to buy from the local Amish bakery. She would rather spend any spare time in her garden. Rebecca was a seamstress and worked four days a week in the tailor’s store that she owned in town, a short walk from her house.
“Oh, lovely, my favorite oatmeal cookies.” Jeremiah took a large bite and quickly consumed the whole cookie.
Rebecca threw her head back and laughed. “You say that about every cookie you eat. Chocolate chip cookies are your favorite, coconut cookies are your favorite and peanut butter cookies are your favorite.”
Jeremiah laughed with her. “I do like cookies. Aren’t you having any?”
“Nee, I had one this morning.” Yes, just one, Rebecca thought as she watched Jeremiah consume a second cookie. She was a little envious that Jeremiah, with his large build and height, could eat anything he liked and would never gain a pound. Whereas, it seemed to Rebecca, whenever she even just looked at a cookie she gained weight.
“So, are you giving Eli a birthday present?” Rebecca asked.
That evening they were to be at Jeremiah’s son, Eli’s, house, for his birthday celebration.
Jeremiah gave a little chuckle. “Nee, I stopped giving them presents when they grew up.”
Rebecca wondered what would be appropriate for her to give Eli as a present. Maybe she should just take something like a bottle of wine or maybe a pie? She had always gotten along very well with Jeremiah’s two sons, Eli and Paul. Eli was the oldest and very much the boss. He was also the one who managed the saddler’s business and Paul was the second in charge. “He’s turning thirty isn’t he?”
“Jah, and I’ve just gone sixty. I’m twice as old as him.”
The thought of going to a party with a lot of people she did not know was making Rebecca feel a little nervous. At least, she thought, I’ll have Jeremiah with me. Rebecca had become a bit of a recluse since Colin had died, only going to work and doing the necessary grocery shopping. It was only in the safety of her walled garden that she felt peace and security. The very same peace and security she felt whenever she prayed. She wondered whether she would be able to find a little sanctuary for herself at Jeremiah’s house, like her walled garden.
Rebecca’s thoughts bounced back to Jeremiah saying he was sixty. “You old thing. I didn’t realize you were that old. I’d better get me a younger man.” Rebecca laughed.
“You won’t be getting away from me; it’s taken me eight long years to get you to agree to marry me.” Jeremiah smiled down at her. “Besides, you’re not that much behind me in age.”
“Hasn’t anyone told you not to refer to a lady's age?” Rebecca picked a tiny piece of cookie off the plate. Surely a little portion like this won’t do me any harm. Rebecca gleefully popped the little piece in her mouth and turned her attention back to Jeremiah.
Jeremiah reached for a forth cookie and Rebecca slapped his hand away. “Nee, actually no one has told me that. Age is good; it is a sign of wisdom gathered over many years.”
Rebecca smiled knowing that the Amish have a very different attitude towards aging than the Englisch. The Englisch are preoccupied with looking good and staying young, whereas the Amish are more concerned with the goodness of a person and treating people nicely.
“The Amish and Englisch treat their old folk so differently,” Rebecca said.
Jeremiah stretched back and put his hands behind his head. “How?”
“Well for one, the elderly Amish people live with their families, but the older Englisch people tend to go to retirement homes.” Rebecca looked at the last two cookies and wondered why she put so many on the plate. She continued, “With the Amish, old people are respected whereas in the Englisch world old people are not given much appreciation.”
“I don’t think I’d fit in at Eli’s place or Paul’s place. You’ll have to look after me when I’m old.”
“When? You’re old now,” Rebecca teased.
They both laughed.
Rebecca was thankful to have Jeremiah in her life after years of loneliness. She knew that Gott had brought them together. Jeremiah had told her that he felt something spark in his heart as soon as he walked into the tailor’s and saw her. Rebecca had felt the same as soon as she saw Jeremiah.
Jeremiah stood up. “I’d best be going now. I only called in quickly. I’ll pick you up tonight at six?” He leaned down and kissed Rebecca on her forehead.
“Jah, I’ll be ready.” As Rebecca led Jeremiah to the front door she reveled in the pleasure it gave her to have a mann in her life again. She had someone to care about and to love again. She watched him drive away in his gray buggy.
The clip clop of horse’s hooves always made Rebecca feel comforted, like she was home.
